(from last thursday)

Okay, so I'm feeling pretty down right now. the only image that I can conjure up for how I think of my teaching profession as it stands is of this wonderful yet trecherous rollercoaster ride that brings me to the highest heights with the most beautiful view and then after two seconds of enjoyment I drop down screaming into a dark abyss. After some seconds of confusion and chaos I ride back out and see the sunlight again. If I'm not painting that picture clearly it's because I feel like I'm in the abyss right now. I had a great ride up the hill with my Spanish 2 class this morning. I am so comfortable with these girls and for the most part they respond to me just how I want them to. I can be funny with the, joke with them, but at the same time be serious and get down to business and teach them. I also interact with some of the girls outside of class so it makes it so much easier. In today's class they were excited and receptive to the fun lesson I had planned. The climax of the ride was so rewarding because the girls were really getting the new vocab I had presented and they even were wanting to know some new verb conjugations that we won't learn for a few more days. It felt so good.

But now for the downer.... After my Spanish 2 class I had about 3 hours to review and perfect my lesson plans for Spanish 1 at 1:45pm. I had done most of the planning until 2am last night (probably a factor of my sour mood) after being on dorm duty from 8pm (when we returned from a trip to See BodyWorlds 2 exhibit in Boston) to 11:15pm. I was actually very awake when I was doing this planning last night because I was so excited about the lesson I had done for Spanish 2. So although I was tired today I went into if feeling very excited that I was finally going to have 2 good classes in one day. I felt organized and energized to teach the new information. But I just got out of the lesson and felt very dissatisfied. In reality it probably wasn't such a horrible class but it wasn't what I'd expected. It moved way to slow, I didn't keep everybody involved, and I'm not sure how much solid information they actually learned that will prep them for the new chapter. What happens is every unit revolves around a common theme and place. This Unit is actually based in Mexico and the first chapter is all about things having to do with school. The first two pages have a ridiculous amount of information about México and then the next page is the start to the specific chapter where there is a photo and the kids are supposed to discuss what they see in the photo and then surmise what they'll be learning in it. Then they move on to the presentation of the vocab. So, in the 50 minutes I had, I only got them that first photo of the Etapa (aka. chapter). They seemed tired, bored, and therefore were unengaged. I tried to get them moving and talking and doing something different by putting them in groups to look for information but it only worked for a short time.

I guess what I'm finding so difficult is that I'm trying to conduct a class all in Spanish to class of students with the widest range of exposure to Spanish. Some girls have absolutely no idea what I am saying most of the time and then the ones who do know what is going on are bored out of their minds. and I can't find a way to reach and engage them all (something which is necessary in Spanish. as for the ones who don't have a clue...those are the kids that are the hardest to teach. Because they don't have a clue what i am saying or how to respond. my job in Spanish 1 is to give them those basic tools, lay the foundation for their education in Spanish. That is a heck load of responsibility and pressure because their future in Spanish depends on this basic information they need to learn in this class that I teach. If I do it in the wrong/confusing way they have to learn it all over again from somebody else and it holds them back. I hate that responsability. It's even more frustrating because I watch Marilyn teach and she does all this stuff so naturally and I see everything I need to do to be a better teacher with these students from Spanish one, but I just can't see to implement those skills in the classroom when I am teaching. LIke last night....I got so excited to finally start a unit/chapter off right and was so organized but during the class it didn't seem to be enough. I still missed so many key points and actions. because you ahve to correct a kid every time they say or write something wrong. and that happens every single second because they are still not comfortable with the skills their employing. arggh...... no es divertido enseñar así.

It seems like it's going to take forever until I get comfortable with this class. I am trying to not be so egotistical and think that I am the only vessel of knowledge these kids can learn from....that is not my point, I think my point is that I just want to do it right for them the first time. I can't just have them be my guinea pigs for the year and try and fail all the time. I need to be successful because this is their education that I'm dealing with. I don't want them to go into Spanish two next year not feeling comfortable in the basics. I guess it's hard too because the basics are so hard to explain because i use them so comfortably and don't even think about. You have to think about Spanish in a whole new way to be able to teach and explain it. it's no easy job. It's so much easier to teach Spanish 2 because at least they have their basic skills already under their belts and they can try to understand me from context. They've heard the majority of words/verb structures that I am using and I don't need to explain every freakin word/context to them. They don't stare at me with blank faces because they already have the vocab necessary to understand the context.

So I'm done with my venting at this moment because complaining will never get me far. I really really want to get this down right and I'm determined to be successful. I just want the roller coaster to ease up ont he extremes...I want that confidence and ability to come as soon as possible. :/